just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
