Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
