My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
