i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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