there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
