i think my mom watched the whole time
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize