Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
