Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I faked an abortion last night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
