the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
