Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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