the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
