she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize