your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
