Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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