I faked an abortion last night.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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