I smell stomach acid.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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