Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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