I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize