my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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