First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
