I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
bring money and cleavage
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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