I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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