I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
