come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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