If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize