There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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