his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
