what day is it and did you see me today?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
