Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
