Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
