i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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