im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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