you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
