They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
