I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
