Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
