i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
