I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
