i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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Randomize