i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
