I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize