if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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