Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
