I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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