which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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