I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
