Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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