o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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