it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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