ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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