take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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