If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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