all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize