I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
