Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
