You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
