i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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