it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i think i have two assholes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
