New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
